05.18.2017 www.thekirkwoodcall.com
PAGE DESIGN BY WILL DRURY
26
I
take it back. That story I wrote about being able to practice without shirts on, "Swimming with sweaters" I take it back. I see now that the Will Drury six months ago was a naive fool, incapable of understanding the consequences of running essentially completely naked. Clearly, showing one's belly button is still too scandalous for the 21st century, so if you, the readers, will give me a second chance, I would like to repent my sin of being a perverted moron. To begin, my request for shirtless practice was inherently unequal for men and women. Sports bras are not the equivalent of complete toplessness. Women only wear sports bras for the same reason men wear underwear: to hide their shame of being human. Running completely nude would be ideal, but men would be much too distracted running behind women with sexy, shapely shoulder blades to ever have a good workout and women like Catherine Skubiz, junior, would be equally distracted by the hairy armpits of the men. "If guys ran with their shirts off, I'm not sure I would be able to control my raging primal lust," Skubiz said. "I'm sure guys are the same way. Running mindlessly around a loop requires focus, and I can't concentrate whenever I see the distance hunks running right along side me. It's the same reason the KHS water polo team isn't co-ed. (*offscreen murmur*) Wait, it is?" Even if we lived in a progressive enough society to handle seeing another person's nipples, shirtless practice is unnecessary anyway. Now that the spring season has officially started, I realize that wearing anything other than jeans and a hoodie is completely unnecessary for practices in this 90 degree weather. Sure, it may make you sweat more, but layers of clothing help insulate the body's coldness from the blistering heat. For some athletes like Ethan Schwake, freshman pole vaulter, the sweat even helps him
STORY: WILL DRURY COPY EDITOR PHOTO: CHASE KILBY
practice more efficiently. "Sweat is the body's natural lubricant," Schwake said. "When I'm pole vaulting, I want as much grease as possible to help my joints move effortlessly. It's why I rub butter all over myself before each jump." If there's no athletic benefit to running shirtless, the only other explanation as to why athletes want to run topless is to show off. Cross country runners probably only run shirtless around Kirkwood hoping to get cat called by women walking their children or to get slapped on the butt by old women watering their gardens. But these seemingly harmless attention games may actually be life threatening. According to Corey Nesslage, KHS athletic director, athletes should practice in what they compete in so that they are used to wearing their uniform. If they don't, it may have disastrous consequences in competition. Just last week, Martin Strong, freshman, had a near-death experience at a track meet when he wasn't prepared to handle wearing a shirt after running shirtless all week. "I was running the 800-meter race and all of a sudden, the ruffles in my shirt caught some wind and blew me off the track," Strong said. "I wasn't prepared for all the added resistance, and I almost fell into the pole vault pit and was impaled by one of their massive shafts. If I had only practiced with my shirt on, this never would have happened." If you're not prepared to w ear a thin, flimsy shirt at a meet, then you better be prepared to die. Shirtlessness is reckless, pointless and downright despicable. Clearly, Nesslage is correct in preventing this abominable behavior in our innocent little school. If anything, we need more clothes. I may have jokingly named my previous story "Swimming with sweaters" but perhaps it isn't such a bad idea after all.
Sweating in Sweaters
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